There comes a time in everyone’s life when they think they’d make an amazing leader of the free world. My time comes whenever I watch a politically based show and tell anyone who listens that I would make a great President. I wouldn’t be good at the whole speech making thing but I would have some incredible policies. Since the presidential race is in full swing I think it’s about time I put myself forward and share those policies with you (I can’t actually become President but let’s ignore the technicalities for now).
1. Free sandwiches for all. Nothing fancy though and we’re not cutting the crusts off for you. This is a world where I am President, there are no crusts.
2. Kids are not allowed to stare at a computer, tablet or phone all day. They will be forced into going outside, using their imagination or reading an actual book.
3. All males who wear jeans with a smart blazer and shirt will be sent to prison. We don’t have time for your fashion mistakes.
4. If you must listen to music in public you have to use headphones. You may think your taste in music is excellent but the rest of us don’t want to hear the Bob the Builder theme tune on repeat.
5. Anyone who dares try on clothes while wearing fake tan but refrains from buying them must do community service. The rest of us are fed up with finding your fake tan stains on our brand new white top.
6. All pavements will be split into two, slower walkers will be on the left and people who don’t have time for that will be on the right.
7. Restaurants and bars will have a no phone policy. If anyone is caught on their phone and/or ignoring the person or people around them they’ll have to clean the toilets.
8. Crocs, jelly shoes and Uggs are now illegal.
9. Everyone from 99% of the shows on MTV will be rounded up and placed in a zoo. This is not another MTV show, it’s just they all behave like animals.
10. Air travel will be as cheap as possible. As President, I encourage people to travel and experience new things beyond their doorstep. Please don’t just lie by the pool or the beach all day otherwise I’ll charge you an atrocious amount to get on a plane.
Well if these policies haven’t made you want to vote for me then I don’t know what will. I’d make an amazing President despite not being American and being far too young. Do you think I’d be allowed to redecorate the White House?
Post a Comment