Sex is a glorious thing but sometimes our bid to spice up our sex lives just ends in awkwardness, pulled muscles and the occasional arrest. Here are my top 10 tips to keep you safe and orgasmless during your boring old sex sessions.
1. Never Use More Than One Condom At Any Given Time
You know that Asher Roth song where he says “when it comes to rubbers put 2 on”, ignore it. If your man wears more than one condom you run the risk of them rubbing together and splitting. Not to mention the squeaking gets a little annoying after a while and it’s a fire hazard.
2. If You’re Going to Have Sex Outside Don’t Do It On A Park Bench During The Day
Sex outdoors is great but do you really want the whole world to see you? If you feel the absolute need to do the dirty outside make sure you’re discreet, don’t just choose the first bench you see and go at it. Half the fun about having sex outside is knowing you might be caught but you don’t actually want a sweet old lady or a 5 year old kid to see you having a bit too much fun.
3. Put A Towel Down Before You Start Incorporating Food
Ah yes, the chocolate sauce tastes brilliant but your white sheets now look like you wiped your bum on them and your mum is asking questions. A towel isn’t sexy but neither are random stains you can’t explain. You also may get a yeast infection but at least there's chocolate sauce to take your mind off of it.
4. Don’t Try Those Moves You Saw In Cosmo Straight Away
So you’ve just lost your virginity and want to prove to your man how amazing in bed you are, of course you’re going to turn to Cosmo for tips but don’t! The majority of positions that magazine features can only be achieved by dislocating body parts and you’ll end up looking like a right fool. If you are going to attempt those moves make sure you stretch first and have a phone on hand just in case you need to call for help.
5. Latex Outfits Are Great Until One Of You Gets Stuck
If you and your partner enjoy wriggling around in a desperate attempt to remove what was supposed to be a hot sex inducing outfit then by all means, go ahead but don’t come crying to me when you get stuck.
6. A Tent Does Not Have Solid Walls…
Festival season is pretty much over but this is for all you future festival goers, we can hear you when you’re getting it on in your tent. You may think you’re being really quiet but nope, the whole campsite just heard you and we’re all cringing and laughing while also egging you on.
7. Sex In A Car Is A Horrible Couple of Minutes
I say couple of minutes but really, you’ll probably get to about 30 seconds before you cramp up and have to walk it off. If you and your sex buddy reach the “oh my god sit on my face” moment while in the car either hold off until you get home or at least make sure you’re in something bigger than a Mini.
8. Threesomes Are Awkward, Get Another Person
Threesomes look fine and dandy in porn but in the real world someone is always left out. Either introduce a fourth person, remove the third person or accept the fact that you may be better off making post sex sandwiches for the two humans rolling about with each other.
9. Taking It Up The Bum Bum Is Fun Until You Can’t Sit Down
You’ve only gone and done the extreme dirty in the bum but now it’s the next day and you can’t sit down at your desk. You can’t stand at work all day as people will ask questions but if you sit down and wince people will know what you’ve done. That’s what you get for playing in the human sewage plant.
10. Never Have Sex At A Party, Just Don’t Do It
Oh hey person who looks really cute because I’m really drunk, wanna go upstairs and jump on the bed? Let’s just forget the fact everyone can hear the bed springs and are walking in and out of the room for a sneak peek. I wonder when the host of the party last washed their sheets…
So there we have it folks, the only sex tips you’ll ever need. Just stay vanilla and you’ll be ok. We all know I’m joking here right?
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