The above is not something I wanted to hear after admitting to the torment that was going on inside my head. I stupidly sought support, encouragement and reassurance from someone I barely knew out of sheer desperation and it sits high on the list of biggest mistakes of my life. It’s the above sentence that made me feel stupid, it made me feel like I had no right to give in to my emotional and mental distress and above all, it made me feel weak.
If you occasionally pop onto my blog for a nosy around you may be aware that I decided to get a professional opinion on whether I had depression or not a few months ago. I had been feeling incredibly down for a while but couldn’t understand why. I couldn’t fake any form of happiness, I was constantly trying to silence voices in my head and I was forever almost bursting into tears for no reason. I knew something was wrong and decided, against my own will, that I needed to know what was going on. I hid it from everyone I could but it all eventually came tumbling out to the complete wrong person.
There were so many people I didn’t want knowing how I was feeling. There was no reason for me to hide it from them as I knew they’d be supportive but I didn’t want them to think differently of me. I was honestly scared of them judging me so I just kept it all to myself. I made a mistake though as the 2 people I tried to hide it from the most turned out to be the biggest form of support for me.
The 2 people in question are some of the strongest people I know. One of them gave life to me and has been through far more than any mother, wife, daughter and sister should. She told me about her experience with depression and I’m not convinced she ever would have done had I not been open with her. My mum has always been someone I can go to in a time of need but this was something I didn’t want to burden her with. Not telling her straight away and trying to deal with it myself was another mistake I made during this time.
The other person is someone who has become very important to me and their revelation helped me so much. They were the last person who I expected to have had depression and the fact they could be so open with me encouraged me to face what was going on in my mind. I tried to hide everything from them but they knew, they picked up on it instantly and I’m so thankful that they did.
If it wasn’t for my mum and the other human in question I probably would’ve just ignored what was going on with me. I would’ve let the first person’s statement stick to me like glue and would've just let whatever was happening in my mind eat me alive. I refuse to show any sign of weakness and as soon as those words came out of their mouth, I immediately associated depression with weakness. Their words however, are the words of someone who has more than likely never had depression. They are the words of someone who I have come to realise is not a good person and are not something to be believed. You can’t just “get on” with depression; if you could we wouldn’t all be reeling from the shock of Robin Williams’ suicide.
Depression is not something to be taken lightly, it is not something to be brushed off and it is not something you tell people to get over. Depression is a serious mental illness that can have devastating consequences. It shouldn’t be ignored and it should definitely not be glamorised (you got that Tumblr?). If you think you’re suffering from depression I urge you to seek professional help immediately. If there is someone in your life who you can trust then tell them what you think is going on and if you meet some ignorance along the way don’t ever listen to it. What you’re feeling is valid and no one and I mean no one can ever take that away from you.
I never returned to the doctors for my full diagnosis and I maintain the fact I do not have depression but going through what I did has given me a new insight into depression. I can’t relate completely to anyone suffering from it and I won’t pretend to but you’re not alone and I promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel but you have to keep living and keep fighting to get there.
I’m not the best motivational or inspirational person going so I’m going to end this here. It’s been a very self-indulgent post but I’ve honestly been thinking about the opening line for months now and it actually feels quite good to write it all down. Thank you for reading and I’m sending everyone who is dealing with a mental illness all the love I can possibly give xx
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