The first time we hung out together should’ve had me running for the hills. We barely knew each other but he was already telling me he loved me and was trying to do something down an alleyway that I’d rather not do in broad daylight. I pulled away rather quickly after he decided it was appropriate to put his hands in a place I didn't want them. Some people wandered down the alleyway right after I pulled away which made him leave but, in all honesty I often wonder what would’ve happened had they not appeared. That day should have told me to stay as far away as possible from him but I was too shy and naïve to tell him I didn’t want to be with him.
The first time I stayed at his house proved once again that he was a raging sex pest. It didn’t even matter to him that his parents were walking towards his bedroom to meet me for the first time; he just wanted one thing and one thing only. He constantly pressured me into sleeping with him and, as I always refused, he would immediately turn his attention to video games before trying again.
The constant pressure to have sex progressed into the comfort of my own home and even occurred while my parents were having a party at our house. It was the day after the party where he gave me my first taste of physical abuse.
Up until the day of the physical abuse he had been manipulating me without me realising. He constantly compared me to his ex-girlfriend, he regularly reminded me that he had anger problems that don't exist and he made sure I felt sympathy for him by telling me about a surgery I’m now convinced never happened. Our relationship was brief but the manipulation came thick and fast. I personally didn’t think too much of it. I didn’t realise I was being mentally and emotionally abused and I was basically at the point where I was starting to believe I wasn’t good enough for anyone.
The first form of physical abuse came after I laughed at something I apparently shouldn’t have. He threw himself on top of me, wrapped his fingers around my neck and began to squeeze. He apologised 20 minutes later by telling me I knew he had anger problems and that it was basically my fault. The emotional and mental abuse continued but the physical abuse seemed to have ended…well, so I thought.
A few days after we had broken up I made another mistake. I jokingly called him “stupid” which ended with him punching me in front of people. I hadn’t told anyone about what had happened during our short relationship and when I did, I never told them the full extent. As far as they’re concerned I was physically abused and that was it.
He apologised for hitting me 4 months after it originally happened via text. I said it was ok just so I could get on with my life but then the manipulation began again. This time around I was wise to his game and although politely replying to his texts I was silently screaming how much of a pig he was. He never got what he wanted out of me in the end and last I heard he had moved to a place where no one seemed to like him. I wonder why?
Why am I telling you all of this though? Well because of one simple reason: not many people outside of abusive relationships actually understand them. There are far too many people out there who believe it’s easy to walk away from an abusive relationship, there are too many people who don’t understand how someone could love someone who abuses them and there are plenty of people who ignore mental and emotional abuse as actual abuse.
Admittedly I never understood why victims of abuse don’t leave their partners. I always thought abuse was physical and undermined the power of emotional and mental abuse. I didn’t leave my abuser because I didn’t think anyone else would want me, I didn’t go to the police when he strangled me as I felt like I deserved it and I’ve yet to tell anyone about the full extent of the mental and emotional abuse.
I think a lot of us forget or are unaware of the manipulation involved in abusive relationships. Abusers get into their victims head and make them believe that they’re the only one who cares and turn their victim against everyone they love. Abusers will lure their victim into a fall sense of security before destroying them in every way they can. Once you’ve been manipulated to that degree it’s difficult to leave. Where are you going to go? Who’s going to love you now? What if your abuser finds you?
A lot of people seem to believe abuse comes within the first minute of the relationship. Sure some people make their abusing ways known instantly but others bide their time. You could be married with kids for years before being abused by your partner. At that point you’re already in too deep to just walk away. Some people can walk right out of an abusive relationship and never look back but more often or not, it’s too late for that. We can’t all just close the door on our abusive partner.
Remember that abuse isn’t as black and white as it may seem. We all say we would leave if our partner started to abuse us but that’s easier said than done. I guess I’m trying to say that we shouldn’t view abuse as no big deal or claim it’s “not our problem”. If you believe someone in your life is being abused help them out. Let them know they can trust and talk to you. Don’t get frustrated with them if they deny they’re being abused and don’t keep pushing them to admit it. Remember their mind is no longer their own and they’re probably scared of the repercussions if they were to admit to being abused. Just be a friend and hope that one day they’ll get out of the relationship and move on.
If you are being abused I urge you to seek help whether it is from a friend, a family member or a professional. Talk to someone you trust and make them promise they won’t tell your abuser if it’ll ease your mind. You’re strong enough to get through this and you can walk away. Surround yourself with people who care about you (regardless of what your abuser says there are people who care about you) and make sure you have a good support system behind you. Don’t let your abuser drag you down; you’re a million times better than they will ever be. Your abuser is nothing more than a piece of garbage that does not deserve your time, energy or tears.
And don't forget I'm always here if you need me.
National Domestic Violence Helpline
www.womensaid.org.uk
Men's Advice Line
Domestic And Sexual Abuse Helpline
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